I got off work early Friday, grateful. In the last few days, all of my immediate need-to-do and want-to-accomplish have been met. A random question popped in my mind, a ping of curiosity. The first time I sat in meditation at 8 years old, how-WHY did I come to do so? Why the seated position, the deliberate spine structure, why the darkness and focus on breath… I have wondered what propelled me, what instigated the behavior, the influence I was under. Had I read, seen, or heard something? Yes, most probably. But it’s been 4 days, and I have no particular clarity.
We are so susceptible at certain moments in our rearing. Consequences we can’t fathom yet feel daily. Maybe 15 yrs ago, the one of only 2 episodes I ever heard of Dr Phil, he said our lives are contingent on 7 certain moments or individual people whom come into our lives, whether mentors or an abusive parent. I remember it only because I remember thinking ‘there are seven deadly sins’[After a Google search, the Dr. Phil premise is actually 10 Defining Moments, 7 Critical Choices, 5 Pivotal People. Well, it was September of 2002, so apologies; it’s been 15 years.]
I play a game almost daily at different times of the day, how many emails will be in my inbox? I project a number in the moment 45 57 32…just to work my intuition muscle. I’m right consistently. This could be from programming by all the prior consistent experience, who knows.
Either way, I don’t do it to play psychic, I just want to trust myself. I want to trust myself with no doubt, every decision I make.
I’ve played the lotto less than the digits on one hand. I’m not about that life. Something about the behavior I see as desperate or pathetic.
An extreme version of wishfulness is sloth. Sloth is one of the main seven sins.
Years ago one of my favorite talk radio host defined all addiction as cowardliness. I’ve never forgotten that.
Most of us are always afraid of being our best selves, aren’t we?
What and where is the harm in sitting in meditation? Remove the ethereal connotation, the physical denotation, whatever negative imagery you may project on it. Just sit and be. Leave the phone and tv and music alone. Ignore.
Possibly the reason the question came up is due to my noticeable discomfort in silence lately. Is there something I’m trying to not acknowledge or think about? Must I squelch it with podcasts and music. I can not write or read unless there is silence BUT, I’ve been noticing a discomfortable in the silence.
Otherwise, there has only been gratitude for this time to move and flow and be with no agenda or particular to-do list. I delivered foodstuffs to an assisted living place, with humility and reflection, and paramount to me: no particular rush to leave.
Work is work, but life is living.
I know I have work to do and I must overcome whatever slothful tendencies or childhood pain-excuses I may come up with. There is no real joy in living without the actual work.