The Random Show II

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[Sunday] The first Random Show was in early August. It’s a fine read. A few similarities. I did go back and read it after I formulated this; I needed to see when I had titled another post as such and what numerical value this should be. Since the randomness always runs, how many times have I tried to excuse myself? I’m barely good at boxing myself into this format, something organized and cohesive. Such as why the food-diet-health post is slowly churning along in no cheap, fast fashion way. I want it to be right. I know I can’t avoid offense and hurt feelings or disdain. What we eat is not simply survival-reactionary but personal and emotional, on all the levels.

Back to now, the randomness yet some same themes still resonating. Time flies, but we stay who we are. Frankly, this is the first time I’ve sat all day; only to type this. So much is fluid in my mind, where to start but start.

[Monday] I come to you from the desk. It’s still in ‘before’ mode. After I’ve refurbished it, it will then exist in ‘after’ mode. The picture taking has commenced.

I couldn’t just push publish today on this pre-written post without acknowledging and collectively mourning 9/11. I can’t let this entry be live without admitting how I still can’t listen to live footage and recordings without getting choked up. I was not in the states at the time. I carry a tinge of guilt over this, a guilt over my behavior at the time, how disengaged I was; literally and emotionally.

So posting The Random Show II today means you get an extra dose. What was. What is now.

[Monday] I didn’t go in to work today because I did not sleep at.all. last night. One of my vicious, unrelenting migraines started early in the eve and descended in full force. How does one sleep when you are going up and down stairs all night rotating the ice pacs you keep placed on your skull?! One woman in the office works out during lunch and rather than shower, she submerges herself in her perfume afterwards. The thought of having to smell this after 2 pm was anticipatory revulsion. The affronting light in opening the refrigerator was my limit. I still haven’t slept. I did go on a walk. I did shower. I will return to work tomorrow.

I physically just moved this 100 lb desk into my home out of the SUV my mother just brought it over in. She wouldn’t lift a 12-pack of soda on a good day. I just busted out my dolly; yes I have one 🙂

[Sunday] Every thought I have, I must acknowledge its power. Because I see it. I see how it manifest. And it scares me in ways it can scare. In the last 24 hours, I’ve had to slam on my brakes forcefully, throwing my purse -innocently sitting in the passenger seat- into the floorboard, exactly upright. I’ve thought in those moments, a wreck diverted. How can one not be grateful? Maybe some just get pissed off. Why? How does that emotion serve you better that appreciating having not had to stop in your day and deal with the time-suck, the insurance companies, the repairs…I always appreciate what I pay for. Antilock brakes. Full coverage insurance. Solid steel. Nothing is lost on me.

It excites me in ways which do excite. Life desires, what I want coming to fruition… And then I reflect on how I haven’t had a bloody nose in months, ages. I got one a couple hours later, gushing. This is why I’m so deliberate. This is why I’m so particular. This is why people think I’m an asshole. I have to be careful.

[Monday] Walking up the stairs to bed last night I thought how, as a female, I’d rather be considered an asshole than a bitch.

[Sunday] My mother and I had a much needed -seated face to face-no background noise-no distractions- talk about all.the.things. She told me I cuss too much and it embarrasses her when I do so on Facebook. ‘If people thought I raised you this way!’ I told her I use them only as modifiers or adjectives. I’m very glad and open to being called out.

Today I went to the park. I did my usual swing on the swing set. Swinging, aka my favorite pastime. I only heard one toddler cry for a few seconds, otherwise known as the only thing that ruins a moment: tourism, restaurants, being outside in general, etc… Further along in my 30’s I still have no desire for children. There are those, and there are those that don’t. I am the mentor, I am the substitute teacher, I am the god parent, I am the aunt, I am the uplifting influence. I am not the child bearing. I knew this when I was 7.

[Sunday, still] Back to this moment, my first time sitting. I knew distinguishing the Books page would foreshadow doing the same for a Podcasts page; so yes, you can anticipate that. I listen to SO MANY. Most wouldn’t believe how I achieve this. Thus, similar to the Books page, I will lay out how I time manage, practically, in efficient and strategic ideals. In conversation with my grandmother today I articulated to her how podcasts are my background noise the way most people use the television. I haven’t had a television in years. I see it as a dinosaur in my environment. I wouldn’t have a place to put it. I do not have a Netflix account. I did binge watch a Season 3 of something I enjoy this past Friday-Saturday night via Amazon Prime. Not willing to say what. I don’t need anyone overanalyzing the ONE thing I watched, with little desire for anything else, out of all the choices. So…

The podcasts, the background noise. I once dated a guy who could not exist without music playing in the background, from the time he woke…

Sound is a vibration; it is also an energy.

[Monday] During my walk I listened to the latest Sam Harris podcast. On meditation, consciousness, self-consciousness: an awareness of self, not the insecurity or ego kind.

Silence is golden.

[Sunday] As a matter of principle I can not answer a text which comes in on a Sunday morning at 6:30 am. Regardless if I naturally woke at 6:40, regardless of the fact that my phone is both on silent and not even in the same room. I have no electronics in my bedroom. Sleep is precious and sacrosanct. As has been made clear.

I am done with ‘summer sleep’: the multiple fans; the single sheet; the flipping of one’s pillow to the cooler side. Regardless of any season, when I wake I open the balcony doors, windows, etc…fresh air flow.

Fresh and new. I feel myself a different person in significant ways today than I was in early August, the original Random Show post. More to come, show rather than tell.

[started Sunday, finished Monday] In conclusion, a comment on the Tim Ferris podcast. Haven’t listened to him in his last 8-10 episodes. I find him so redundant. At least he’s consistent with his brand. Go you! but… but the most recent upload is a winner. Despite this brilliant film producer Darren Aronofsky saying ‘ya know’ a bazillion annoying times, it’s tolerable and worth ignoring. Well, I tolerated it this time; I usually don’t. Ya know. Ya know. A lot of gems, intelligent insights, personally resonating quirks…

Again, feel free to call me out too.

Next post will be on Monday. In Boston all weekend.

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