Welcome to Me.
The title is my modus operandi.
Pardon the hiatus. The last two weeks have been so stressful. I have weathered the storm. This post is coming from a brand new hard drive. This personal Macbook has nothing of my former self. Nothing from the old one is recoverable, and I don’t give a damn. (re-reading this line made me smile so hard) I had already been in the process of pulling info onto flash drives, distinguished by categories. Everything else is superfluous.
Everything from here feels fresh. Clean slate, literally and metaphorically. February 8th is the Chinese New Year. It feels like a better, real new year to me, because the western astrological new year of January 1st sat at the beginning on many planetary retrogrades, which means backwards not forwards. January was actually a wrapping up not a starting fresh. And for those who find what I just said frou-frou, that’s just fine and well. It’s only another science, another pseudonym, behavior, belief system in the guise of an ability to make sense of the world. Everyone has their own means, modes, and fashions. Even atheism is still a belief and a practice, right?!
Have you noticed that the more you do, the more you get done? When you are in low, slow, or relaxed operation mode, this also perpetuates itself? Despite the doubt, it is necessary. When you are in a generating flow, it ALL flows: everything you need to do gets done, you’re accelerating beyond the written to-do list, firing from all cylinders, and unstoppable. Well that’s me! Truthfully, it is how I’ve always been. Therefore, after years of seeing this pattern of behavior, I stopped beating myself up (mentally) when I saw myself in the low-production modes. What I kept (keep) realizing is, I always made up for and do make up for this ‘lost time’ of production. Both time and productivity are manipulative constructs we fall into the trap of. Acknowledging this has been the real catalyst for giving meditation its worthy due. Because allowing for rest generates exceptionalism. Running on fumes and minimal sleep never serves anyone. The American point of view is almost counter to this. The tide is really turning now. Collectively, people are speaking of mindfulness outside of the abstract.
So then, the last two weeks have been a breaking down and clearing out. It has been forced upon me despite my willingness to do-be-go at full speed. The Monday ending January set off home-based problems: I had a carpenter, electrician, and plumber at my condo in the same week. I was locked into resolving these problems. This past Monday cut off my connectivity, in a way. Combined, these two weeks had me feeling ‘all or nothing’; all I could do was roll with it. Thus you may understand my enthusiasm for tomorrow: another Monday, yes, but coincidentally the Chinese New Year of the Monkey. I’m excited. All around me feels fresh and new-ish.
Doesn’t the monkey swing between tree limbs? I hope to come out swinging from the other extreme now.
Reflecting back, I never did falter-didn’t get emotionally attached to anything-haven’t cried. I’ve rolled with the punches and built up momentum for what I am now re-designing (music site), re-writing (songs lost to unsaved voice memos on the old hard drive), and re- reflecting on. There are 54!!! blogpost in drafts. I want to delete what i know I won’t post publicly, get rid of the weight of them. Anxious and excited.
Isn’t it all and always about perspective?
From a rested mind, a re-clarified purpose, a fresh enthusiasm:
back at it -Brocka