From where I sit: I’ve slept ~6 hours in the last two nights, each. This.is.no.bueno.for.me. Zombie-esque. 7.5 hours is my minimum. I hate everything otherwise! I don’t verbalize it as such, but I think it. I think it so hard. I am concrete being drug through mud.
Over the years, under the guise of this fog, I’ve made objective observations. The experience has repeated itself enough, I can somewhat rise above it. There’s always the general anger over the circumstance; the physical ache within my self, my body; the negative thoughts…The real fist punches are the negative thoughts. Now an observer of them, I can classify them as ‘other’, as apart from me and very circumstantial. I’ve learned to overcome a lot. I see how sleep-deprived new moms do it.
I will be forever grateful to the veteran I worked for. ‘Soldier on.’ Most of us can power nap; some of us have no other option.
For me, sleep deprivation has always lived and breathed in the negative. My decisions are very conclusive and absolute. Everything is fini! My worst attribute: impatience. In this mode, it rears its ugly head. Paradoxically, I’m a very slow driver during this time. Thank goodness. All the better.
The real tragedy is, I have turned away many, possibly fabulous opportunities out of utter fatigue: an early morning photo shoot or a late night networking opportunity. Any of these options are either really worth it or an utter waste of time. Herein lies the rawest truth about all our decisions, time is an absolute thing. We use it to our advantage or we explain it away just enough to give ourselves more time.
Absolute or absolve. They sit across from the other, balancing.
I wasn’t going to post this eve, my intentional, anticipatory Sunday task. I’ve thought of every excuse. I grind my excuses in so deep, they bring up dust. Whatever the decision, make it count. There is always a reason. There has to be a reason or we wouldn’t survive, inevitably.
Having come this far in this experience, what truly happened today was, I did power through. I went on an even longer morning walk than anticipated. I only thought positive thoughts, all the things I liked. In my attempts to find 15 minutes of relief twice today, I completely understood the difficulty people assign to meditation. We inevitability produce images, the most random out-of-the-norm things, stories of future fantasy or the rehashing of past events, conversations. When do we let go? When is there calm or real solitude? Ode to sleep…
Another delightful recognition (to me) today: when I have no idea what to do with myself…lost in a delirium… I start hearing melodies; writing music; singing. Maybe it is my default, involuntary, a mental saving grace. Some solace.
To sleep and to solace, commensurate. Sitting across from the other.