“You also have to become comfortable with embarrassment. If you’re not willing to screw up in public, you’re best off being a worker bee. You need a thick skin to make it.” -Bob Lefsetz
Boy did I…take a break. The only time I came here was to do some housecleaning once and prompted site updates. I deleted 78 of the 86 drafts I had hanging. Necessary to wipe the slate clean; that spring vibe. I considered If I hadn’t put it out, it either made little sense in the meandering thought, was a topic of redundancy, was a contribution to more useless noise, or something I just really wasn’t willing to share yet.
I’ve been holding onto some resentment regarding this space too. I’m not expressing what I know I’m capable of, while simultaneously comparing myself to the effortlessness I see in other blogging -loathing their popularity over trivialities. I keep saying I’ll share more while walking away. I keep asking myself why. Why do I feel drawn to share? Because naturally I am a giver; and I can’t run away from this.
I want it to mean something and I want people to give a damn.
I’ve physically been unable because I didn’t want to share what was physically going wrong with me, and I knew it would come across as whining, in the least -or angry in the most. Making my new condo feel like a proper home and immersing myself into exceptional reads has been my solace on so many levels. I’ve deliberately isolated myself.
I’ve had my job bore me to tears and friends hurt my feelings in the sobbing tears sort of way. I spent 16 days on the couch healing, half of which was a physical inability to walk. I submerged myself in gratitude and obviously got a lot of thinking time in. Seriously. I only watched 2 series on Netflix during this time, then proceeded to cancel it as I do. I re-subscribe every 3 or 4 months, thinking i’ll catch up on things; but I haven’t been a tv owner or watcher for 18 years and it always disappoints. I do recommend Shetland, a detective crime set in Scotland. I love reading too much. And podcasts and drawing and writing and landscaping and piddling for no structured reason.
Letting my brain and self wander…Mainly, I really allowed myself to dive in and let some pain and anger come up.
I have to let go of expectations for myself as I’ve had to let go of expectations for other people. Each of us is on our own path. And here I have projected onto this space an ideal, a freedom of expression I can’t seem to actualize as I’m strong-armed by perfectionism and doubt. And that’s simply what it is and why I needed to relieve myself for a moment, the pressure. Because I want to contribute but I don’t want to add to the noise. So much noise.
It has never had one theme or been consistent, and this is why I have so few readers nor seen it as thriving. I know this. I asked myself many times over the last couple months if I am willing to just let it go.
I believe our lives are micro examples of what is transpiring globally. A lot of old pain and anger and resentments are coming up to heal. There’s a lot of pulling hair out and gnashing teeth and arguing. If social media shows us anything, it proves no minds are changed in the dialogue through its medium. We really are only responsible for ourselves as much as we incorrectly believe we can debate our way to a common ground.
I can be intellectually honest and admit the prolificness of this space is contingent on how much I’m willing to let go and just be; get over the insecurities. I would argue, most success is contingent on letting go of the insecurities, moving through the doubt. Doing it despite the doubt. We also, always need structure. These quotes have really resonated:
“The way to get over creative block is to simply place some constraints on yourself. It seems contradictory, but when it comes to creative work, limitations mean freedom. Write a song on your lunch break. Paint a painting with only one color. Start a business without any start-up capital. Shoot a movie with your iPhone and a few of your friends. Build a machine out of spare parts. Don’t make excuses for not working — make things with the time, space, and materials you have, right now.” -Austin Kleon