‘I’m here for 15 minutes or I would’ve cancelled altogether, sorry to rush.’ I said this a couple days ago. And it perfectly sums up a worse part of my personality.
Take it or leave it, one extreme or the other. And I’ve just not wanted to write here.
I’ve wanted to be in my own space, minding my own business, participating minimally. Taking in so much gets overwhelming; the digestion takes all the energy. It’s my own fault. What is the purpose of this knowing? How does it serve me, or how will I use it?
I Want To Tell You All The Things.
Every day I want to post here. I wonder, what is the purpose of sharing this, am I actually adding to or contributing??
It honestly just feels self-aggrandizing to blog, no matter what I say.
I know adulthood literally means doing things you dont want to do, even when they’re good for you. And i never regret it, the showing up, participating, hard work. I love it. Paying the bills keeps a roof over our heads, but let’s hate it for a sec: the hamster wheel.
And if it’s your professional medium, those pop-up ads as I scroll down the blog really piss me off! Fucksake. See, I don’t even want to read half the blogs I do. But I keep wanting to know.
For a moment, I wanted to shut down everything. Remove the apps from my phone too. Taking breaks is healthy. We call people who go off the grid unhealthy, though.
In no way is this depressive; it’s the catalyst for the new reality: the striving to stay real, authentic, and vulnerable in the land of excess. The excess attacks our egos of desire and want. The paradox of want, it can be a need. A real need is not a want.
Look At Me. Read This. Watch This.
I must ask myself ‘what is the value in sharing this’?
It’s not that I don’t have something to offer, I haven’t wanted to show up. My cop-out is telling myself you’ve read it before, I can’t express it better.
I think my music lyrics are cheesy and over thought, trying too hard, and I’ve been throwing away sheets of script.
I’m not sorry I don’t want to play the game of oversexed Instagram poster or youtube singer of popular cover songs du jour, just so I get more attention to anything. I resent those who do. I never wanted to, and why would I switch gears now…Regarding my music especially, I keep thinking ‘if the passion were here, if the fire were burning enough’…that’s just beating myself up. It is or it isn’t. I’m sharing as much as I am prepared to right now.
We make time for priorities. There is always time. And time is always an excuse.
I will only be as much as I want to be in any given moment. I will show up for 15 minutes or not at all.
“Perfection is not when there is no more to add, but no more to take away.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry
Congratulations! After exactly a month of not posting, you have successfully been reminded of my existence AND you made it to the end of this post, which means my thanks to you is extremely heartfelt.