It’s certainly been a minute since I’ve written here. While I could whittle off a list of excuses, the main theme of my past month was rebellion. For instance, after almost solely planning a party for my company, I decided at the last minute to not attend. And it felt so free walking right past it and out the door. I genuinely didn’t give a damn; which is where I’m at mentally with my job actually. I’ve been stirring up my own bowl of interests to see what rises to the surface, top priority, next job posting or creative pursuit; both pursued simultaneously most likely. I think I finally folded up the ambition to pursue new music making. My heart isn’t in it right now. It’s obvious I didn’t want more than scratching off a bucket list goal of having my own project shared. It was the one thing I dreamt of most as a kid, verses the one of a family with children. I didn’t falter with my friendships, as few are easier to hold dear; and they absolutely showed up for me and offered mentorship when I most needed it. I was also more studious and deliberately isolative this year. But the learning was well worth it to me. American history – History of the Crusades – French language.
I don’t believe the new year is going to let up on going in. When I deliberate over the next directions I want to go, the why is just as important to me. And this question always requires introspection.
I titled this half and half, because in numerous ways I felt present but also mentally residing in the there of ambition and desire; this was a direct result of not being as happy as I know I can be and have absolutely been. I chose to be exactly where I am, and told myself I would give it two years. Now that I’m halfway to three, an anxiousness persist. All of our future selves live in a dreamscape. This is frankly why people give such credence to New Year’s resolutions, and also why they hang over us guiltily, sounding the sad trombone a few months in. Not going to play that tune.
This post also coincides with my monthly books reviewing, and I only got halfway through the biography of Alexander Hamilton before the kindle auto-returned to my library. Gosh it was great, I can understand how the compelling plot points make for a successful broadway show. Still not paying $500 for a decent seat to see it though. Reading historical biographies are the greatest insight into pivotal moments that find us where we are; and hopefully illicit sympathy around the difficulties enveloping every decision that have reverberating consequences centuries in the future. I have another hold in place to get to it again and pick up where I left off digitally.
So I joyfully jumped into the biography of Queen Victoria. And I’m only halfway though it. I own it, so no worries. This is hands down one of the best biographies I’ve ever read. It does a thorough examination of her fierce character; her revolt against what was expected of her; the marriage to Prince Albert of Germany; their genuine love and neediness for each other; his influence on her policy and what he accomplished; all of the political storms and cultural goings on in Parliament, etc… I’m enjoyably staying the course.
Here’s hoping I’m significantly less quiet going forward, in more ways than one. Whether the new year brings only minor tweaking or a swift kick from an unconditional friend, we’re onward bound.