Every time I think or say the word fresh, I think ‘fresh to death’
Terrible. What is wrong with me [no punctuation]
This last time my computer crashed I lost all my voice memos from my iphone, thus icloud upload on the Mac. These were the 50+ song ideas I hadn’t actualized just yet. It wasn’t like losing sentimental things in a fire; I know that experience. I wasn’t so devastated. I thought it a fresh start. I’m not so obtuse as to believe that every rhyme I sing or melody I want to turn into song is something immediately great. Is anything for a perfectionist ever ready…Most everything is shit. Most rough drafts are shit. ‘Good riddance’ I thought. ‘I’m no longer weighted down by the pull of these sounds and what they ask of me. I’m not responsible for making these iterations worthy of attention’.
Do you understand me when I say that? It’s the declaration of laziness. It’s a relief based in an insecurity, a fear of showing up. If nothing is there, then nothing is there for me to return to.
Anything we want requires work, and work means responsibility.
I am an only child of divorced parents, and also from a middle to low socioeconomic background. After that fire, we lived in a hotel for a couple weeks and ate at the diner in the same parking lot via vouchers the RedCross had given us. When we got back into an apartment, we had lawn chairs for living room furniture.
And you know what, I’ve never thought I’ve done without. There were times as a teen I may have been jealous of friends affording summer camp or better wardrobes, but I knew in those moments it was actually a teenage thing to feel those feelings, and not something more meaningful than that. I was satisfied and happy. Obviously I wasn’t spoiled, but I never missed out on important things. I never didn’t have things I really wanted. To this day, I don’t do without anything. All of my needs and wants are taken care of. I have exceptional credit. I’ve traveled the world. I’m not ‘goin and blowin’ as my mother says though; this is for sure.
I say all of this to both clarify how much I’ve always felt I have a safety net no matter what, and no matter what happens I know I am taken care of. But if I really believed this, I would act accordingly, wouldn’t I? Just jump. Do it. Do it all.
When did I become so afraid?
Today I let myself meander. I laid out in the sun, I read, I bored myself, I didn’t try to fill up the silence with podcasts or music
I’ve been feeling so terribly anxious, and minutes of this day I hated.
I just want to put up or shut up. I don’t need social media to motivate me or keep attention on me. I was constantly told during music production about reminding fans of ones existence. Instead of putting out an EP or an album, just put out singles. Always stay in the minds, stay fresh, keep momentum. This is not my style. Everything ebbs and flows. Everything is cyclical.
I only need to get out of my own way. I’ve been reminding myself of a couple trends in which I was ahead of the curve, and how now, what I really want to do scares the shit out of me. I can’t doubt myself.
I really bailed on the music because I was so afraid to be raw. After the last time I performed on stage, I sat in my car and cried my eyes out. I was so angry at myself and determined to never feel that way again.
I don’t know that I’ll get on stage and sing again. I would love to. It might inevitably come up in this next evolution. But I do know this next time I cant disappoint myself. So now, why am I afraid to share what I really write? This post may be honest, but it is like filler bullshit. I’m so close, I’m on the precipice. I just want a fresh start. A new me.
Sometimes we need fires to obliterate and we need hard drives to crash and we need relationships to fall apart to remind us of what we are worth. Everyone needs a fresh start. Just gotta take it by the reins.
On an aesthetic note, I’m preferring my post to be free form. In comparing myself to other (female) bloggers, I am minus pictures and brightness -let’s just say. When I think about making this space some sort of success, I have to consider it. In the same breath, I consider how short and sweet and to the point Seth Godin is. No imagery, just business and logic, a straight shooter. I also admire how Bob Lefsetz writes, very stream-of-thought, free form. This is me really. And so like both of them, I don’t need to add images to increase SEO crap. Only when it’s necessary. Lefsetz has been in the music biz as an entertainment attorney, the LA life for ages. His observations are professional and intuitive. I don’t read or resonate with all his posts, but I get a lot out of the ones I do. I have an intuition he smokes pot. But whatever. Then again, I’m certain a few of the brokers I work around do too. I don’t care.
Ritual podcast. Just download it. Don’t make me keep reminding you. 10 episodes, all under 25 minutes. Waiting on season 2. Goodness, hmm. Not too in depth on all the religions, but some background on the variety of rituals we perform as humans. Very thought provoking. Conversations I like to have late in the night.