Intimacy

BrockaHealth & Wellness1 Comment

Why do you have to cry? He asked me every time it happened. It is the extreme version of an emotion. Overpowering. A cut is one thing, a death another. After hearing of the death of a loved one, most have an involuntary reaction to cry. Crying may simply be a result of having held onto a feeling so long, it finally boiled over. A feeling so strong, it beat down the walls we held up against it. I never cry. My mother is so freakin sensitive she cries during emotional commercials, gift giveaways on talk shows, the least character driven of shows, animals dying she has no association with… this list goes on. I would verbally disdain this a … Read More

BrockaIntimacy

Time to Think

BrockaHealth & Wellness, WorkLeave a Comment

I got off work early Friday, grateful. In the last few days, all of my immediate need-to-do and want-to-accomplish have been met. A random question popped in my mind, a ping of curiosity. The first time I sat in meditation at 8 years old, how-WHY did I come to do so? Why the seated position, the deliberate spine structure, why the darkness and focus on breath… I have wondered what propelled me, what instigated the behavior, the influence I was under. Had I read, seen, or heard something? Yes, most probably. But it’s been 4 days, and I have no particular clarity. We are so susceptible at certain moments in our rearing. Consequences we can’t fathom yet feel daily. Maybe … Read More

BrockaTime to Think

Holding On & Letting Go

BrockaHealth & Wellness, Mood RoomLeave a Comment

“You also have to become comfortable with embarrassment. If you’re not willing to screw up in public, you’re best off being a worker bee. You need a thick skin to make it.”  -Bob Lefsetz Boy did I…take a break. The only time I came here was to do some housecleaning once and prompted site updates. I deleted 78 of the 86 drafts I had hanging. Necessary to wipe the slate clean; that spring vibe. I considered If I hadn’t put it out, it either made little sense in the meandering thought, was a topic of redundancy, was a contribution to more useless noise, or something I just really wasn’t willing to share yet. I’ve been holding onto some resentment regarding … Read More

BrockaHolding On & Letting Go

An Authority

BrockaHealth & WellnessLeave a Comment

When I used to think myself an authority I see this picture of a woman in leggings and a sports bra in the headstand pose and I admire it. I try to do my headstands weekly, but it’s fallen out of habit (not favor). I am attracted to this image, the lifestyle it represents, a familiarity I know from having once thrown myself fully into it. I lived it and breathed it and spoke knowledgeably on; and people always asked me questions or for my advice. I exuded someone who might have an answer. I spoke publicly on many occasions. The picture is really an other, and it currently feels distant. An old me, to be honest. I wonder when … Read More

BrockaAn Authority

Letting Go

BrockaHealth & Wellness, Mood Room1 Comment

Every time we go to the storage unit, the only objective is to grab what I can immediately drop off at donation. In the liquidation, the downsizing, and the admittance of usefulness comes a sadness; acknowledging this sadness comes despair. We can organize and utilize what we really want to keep later. Right now these items have spent a minimum of 3 years in this holding space; and in this holding space are also some of the oldest childhood memories and memorabilia. What is the deciding factor for keeping it? How intense must the attachment be for us to never let it go? And if the memory or emotion is so intense, why is a thing even necessary? It’s what it … Read More

BrockaLetting Go