I’m either counting minutes or losing track of them. I look at time a lot differently than I did years ago; when I had no sense of it growing up. When you’re outside playing, it’s only time to come in after the light fades into dark or a guardian screams. When you’re immersed in a project or task, it’s time to break away when another pertinent matter rises or hunger screams in your belly.
I don’t carry the sense of play around very much anymore. Most movements seem a to-do item; a chore; an obligation; a mission; a responsibility. And even when I’m engaged in relaxed reading, I’m looking to see how much time I have left to do it, before I must get up; leave; go to sleep.
Time wouldn’t be such a concern if I were more exalted by how I spend it. I don’t know that such a formatted day job is really for the likes of me, truthfully. I’ve been trying it out. My weekends now cram in all the tasks before there’s a hint of respite. I certainly need more joy.
My interests and pursuits have been rather consistent over the last 15 to 20 years, so there’s that; whether I can harness all this history into the next best thing for myself is another matter; all of my friends, family, and passing acquaintances aren’t short of opinions as to what. I only have a handful of interest which motivate and propel me, though. What has been genuinely missing is sheer excitement.
Coasting along sounds so depressing, because there is actually nothing wrong with consistency and reliability; but life’s too damn short. I’m in the in between space.
It always comes down to perspective though. Always. Gratitude for having choices in the matter.
In the meantime, there is never a shortage of the serious and the study.
One example in the last few weeks, The History of the Crusades podcast. All things Crusades have been forever an interest, and when I found a very detailed linear resource: Sold! I’m already fifty episodes deep. The coincidence couldn’t have been better seeing as though I had been reading Eleanor of Aquitaine. I’ve also enjoyed a few coinciding episodes via The History of Byzantium podcast, e.g. Constantinople. I feel like I’m getting an entire semester of college for free! This does excite me to no end.
Writing makes me very happy as well, we know.
I’ve had this for almost twenty years. In a story of Once Upon a Time, it was given to me; but it now can be said of me…