Apology Tour

BrockaMood Room2 Comments

I don’t cut people any slack. I’m your worst boss. I’m a hard shell with high standards. Few see me or know me as emotional. But the center is soft.

I hover over my every move and analyze my every thought, so why wouldn’t I project this behavior onto you? Who do you think you are?! I don’t cut myself any slack. I have the right to offend.

Everything to me is a literal observation. This is why I straddle the line of autism, this is why I find sarcasm NOT FUNNY or sarcastic. I even hate the word! Shoot me before I will watch a late night comedian. I find sarcasm irritating and annoying. I get along better with paradox and irony, though. I am literal, and it’s hard for me to relax with your relaxed. I see you as… simple.

Now considering that I elevate myself to such a behavior -I feel in an unconscionable way- the nobility in placing others at the same high standard. This is unfair and unrealistic, obviously. You call me a bitch. You call me hard. I agree. But I see you as soft.

The infrequent moments I am reminded or am honest with myself -when I sit and accept, or apologize to myself for feeling the need to- there is no guilt here. How To Stop Feeling Guilty

I am also soft. Don’t take it personally, because it really is, literally, personal. Resentment is often jealousy.

Addendum:

I am amending where I lashed out. I’m communicating where I shut down. I’m revisiting where I left town early, to avoid. I’m acknowledging and accepting where there was shame. If you can forgive me…

I am consistently forgiving myself.

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2 Comments on “Apology Tour”

  1. Colin

    As always so transparent – I focused in on your mention of ‘straddling the line of autism.’ And I want to recommend a very interesting little book (that helped me get clear on a few things) by an economist I admire Tyler Cowen – the book is called The Age of Infovores and it really is a surprising read… it straddles autism and Aspergers – over here in Europe we credit the book in helping several major organising’s actively employing people with autism. Here’s a snippet from a review:

    “Cowen writes primarily about the way autistic people order their brains, their worlds and their activities. He views many of their habits as strengths, not weaknesses; he describes them not as disabled people needing assistance, but simply as people who have different, often more efficient ways of ordering their brains. He uses the term ‘neurodiverse’ to describe this. Each chapter deals with a different aspect of ‘neurodiversity’ to somewhat mixed effect.

    Each chapter was fairly self-contained. The theme of ‘neurodiversity’ with its premise that autistic cognitive habits are strengths and not weaknesses was the only common thread that bound them all. One chapter was on politics; another was on stories and featured a lengthy armchair diagnoses of Sherlock Holmes as an autistic role model.”

    the review is from here: http://www.teleread.com/publishing/review-age-of-the-infovore-by-tyler-cowen/

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